I spoke with several women who lost babies...they were willing to share some feelings and lessons learned from their heartbreak! I pray that you find encouragement from their vulnerability.
D. from Georgia who lost twin boys a few years ago shared:
Five feelings I experienced during my miscarriage were…
Anger
Bitterness
Loneliness
Fear
Sadness
What I learned from my loss...
Grief is real, there is no time limit, and we all experience it differently. Don't be afraid to ask for help, let people know how you are truly feeling, give yourself time to heal and experience all the emotions, don't be afraid to seek counsel... and it is not your fault.
A. from Indiana who lost a baby a couple of years ago shared:
Five feelings I experienced during my miscarriage were…
Emptiness
Abandonment
Disbelief
Panic
Heartbreak
What I learned from my loss...
In a season when words always fell short, feeling that people couldn’t possibly understand the grief that I was experiencing, desiring to guard my true feelings and emotions from everyone around me, and experiencing a sorrow that seemed to encompass me, I took comfort in this: God is God. I am not.
His ways are higher than my ways. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He makes no mistakes.
His plans for me are good. It was okay that I didn’t understand, because God did.
It may not make sense to some, but being reminded that I’m not in charge and that I haven’t been given all the answers was one of the only things that brought me comfort.
I am small, He is big. And He cares for me. (Isaiah 55:9, Jeremiah was 29:11, Matthew 6:30)
L. from Colorado who lost babies a couple of decades ago shared:
Five feelings I experienced during my loss were…
Betrayal (by God) - I felt He allowed something entirely unfair to happen to me - that I hadn’t done anything to deserve such a loss
Hurt -that He would cause me to suffer with this loss
Anger - at my Father/God who would make me endure the loss
Turning - I wanted to turn my back on Him and not deal with Him
Broken - I knew I would not be able to survive without Him (though for awhile I tried). I realized He cares for me even in my loss. I could not say or even think anything He did not already know, so I railed and yelled at Him until I had it all out.
What I learned from my loss...
I came to Him in my sorrow and grief and asked Him to meet with me and give me some hope. I lay on my bedroom floor facing East (toward His temple in Jerusalem) and I poured out my heart and then lay quietly, awaiting Him and His answer.
He met me there.
He promised (almost audibly though not quite) that He would never leave me (even when I had been so ugly to Him). He promised me that He loves me even in my ugliness and anger. He reminded me that He knows me and loves me (and also my precious lost daughter) more than ANYONE else. He met me with a new peace that I really needed.
I began to breathe again without the anger coming out toward the world. It was a growth time I would not relinquish — especially because I learned how God can take any criticism or anger and still Love Me! At that time He gave me some promises that have come true beyond what I could have imagined.
I am blessed even though I thought I was broken beyond repair.
Jesus told his disciples, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” Luke 18:16a
V. from Indiana who lost babies nearly three decades ago shared:
Five feelings I experienced during my miscarriage were…
Shock
Distress
Devastation
Confusion
Emptiness
What I learned from my loss...
People respond differently to loss. With each of my miscarriages, I reacted differently. With my first miscarriage, I accepted it as God’s will.
With my second miscarriage, I did not cry. I was mad...mad at God! When the doctor said I had to deliver, I asked if it would hurt. He said, "yes." I said, “Good!” I delivered a baby girl; we named her Emily.
It really tested my faith. I told God, ”Prayer doesn’t work!”
I realized with each loss, I felt different emotions.
I got pregnant again. I went to church and had my pastor anoint a prayer cloth, I wore it pinned to my clothes the entire pregnancy! I had a healthy baby boy! What a miracle baby!
Sadly, after that, I had two more losses.
Unexpectedly I got pregnant again, I was terrified!
I couldn’t face another ultrasound showing me a baby with no heartbeat.
I went to a fertility specialist and found out that I had an antibody that fought the baby off as a foreign object. I took heparin shots, baby aspirin and requested lots of prayer. I had a healthy boy!
While going through the loss of each one of these babies, I joined a share group at the hospital. It helped having women to talk to; we shared our emotions, struggles, we leaned on each other.
I named each one of my babies. Christian, Emily, May and Noel.
I found comfort from God; one day at church, we were singing “Amazing Grace.” I told God that I didn’t understand why my babies had to die and why my faith had suffered. I felt like God was just going to do whatever he wanted. I asked God, “What good came out of it?”
It was like God turned up the volume to the song, ”When we’ve been there 10,000 years, bright shining as the sun, we’ve no less days to sing God's praise, than when we’ve first begun” God spoke to my heart that day, He said “The good that came from your loss...your babies will be in heaven forever!”
One day I will see my babies, oh what a day that will be! God comforted me by speaking to me through the song that Sunday morning. God was patient with me; He understands how deep the hurt is to lose a child.
J. from Indiana who lost babies about a decade ago shared:
Five feelings I experienced during my miscarriage were…
Fear
Sorrow Envy Misunderstood (by my husband) Loneliness
What I learned from my loss...
I experienced a feeling of sadness I have never felt before. My mother had had miscarriages when I was old enough to understand and old enough to feel for her, yet I had always brushed them off. She had lots of kids already so I wondered, “Why was she so sad? The baby was just embryonic so no big deal, she should just wait for grandkids,” After my miscarriages, I apologized for being so insensitive to her feelings of loss. I now knew what it felt like and could understand how deeply you could feel for the life you were carrying.
I also started to read my Bible straight through and lean on God more. He knew what we could handle. And he knew what children would be our earthly children versus heavenly children. Easton would not be here had I not experienced miscarriages, and he is definitely meant to be with our family.
Five feelings I experienced during my miscarriage were…
Loneliness Emptiness Fragile
Forgotten
Understood (by my boys and a few select individuals)
What I learned from my loss...
I came to understand why people choose isolation.
I didn’t want to be alone. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore than I was already hurting.
Well-meaning people say hurtful things. Sometimes people simply ask questions they really shouldn’t ask (such as, So are you going to try again? How far along were you? etc.)
I chose to put my trust in God, knowing that I can handle the painful experiences that came from being around people. It was better to risk further hurt than to stay home and hurt.
As I kept my mind on God, He strengthened me. Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.”
-Ashley