Have you ever felt unseen? Have you ever felt like no one knew what you were going through?
When it comes to the pain of losing a child during pregnancy, as a man, there are so many struggles.
Here are a few feelings I experienced during that time. Maybe you can identify with some of them.
I felt unseen.
When losing a baby, as a man, it can be easy to feel unseen.
For me, everyone asked, “How’s Ash?” Very few individuals asked about me. But my pain was real. It was deep.
We were pregnant together. But it felt like the baby was more Ashley’s than mine. Why did it feel this way?
I cannot give birth, I cannot carry a baby in my body, I cannot feed a baby. But our baby was mine. He had my DNA.
And though my pain has not been acknowledged by many, my pain was deep.
There are so many unseen elements of miscarriage. The baby was unseen except by the ultrasound and if mom was showing. A man’s grief can go unseen. And a woman can feel unseen as well.
Often, many couples have not even made a public announcement when the life is lost.
Unseen grief can be a precursor to other emotions as well: anger, loneliness, disappointment.
I felt hopeful for the future and then suddenly so disappointed.
The reality is that this child was going to live in our home, we were going to introduce him to his brothers, and we would have taught him to walk and ride a bike.
Since Ashley and I had our two oldest boys during several of our miscarriages, we had to explain this loss to them. Looking at my boys and telling them what happened to the little sibling was so painful. It was overwhelming to see them hurt.
I felt like a failure.